"If it is committed in the name of God or country, there is no crime so heinous that the public will not forgive it."

"Anyone who maintains absolute standards of good and evil is dangerous. As dangerous as a maniac with a loaded revolver. In fact, the person who maintains absolute standards of good and evil usually is the maniac with the revolver."

you've got to toss your own salad or else eat with the masses from their narrow trough

Serpent a sonnettes
Rattelslang
Culebra de cascabel
Skallerorm
Klapperschlange
Rattlesnake

When a person accepts a broader definition of reality, a broader net is cast upon the waters of fortune.

"...people are too fragile for miracles."
"Honto des'," the vibrator said, sagely. "Is true. Two thousand year ago, virgin give birth. eople still not get over it. Ha ha ha.

Maybe that's why God had to suspend the miraculous

Day 3 of the journey in Peru.

So far, it's been interesting. I'm having difficulty dropping what baggage I meant to leave in Toronto...I flew 18 hrs on a plane to get away for a little from my petty problems, but it seems they've followed me here.

The people are great - everyone gets along, and seems very trustworthy. There's little drama, and lots of fun to be had. They seem to have an activity every night. Tonight is salsa dancing!

Today I visit my orphanage in which I'll be working. I'm a bit nervous, but almost indifferent to it until it happens. I'm still feeling like I'm sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my turn.

The art of being alone. Is it an art? It's kind of hard. It takes real practice it seems, and I keep falling back on old dusty cushions. I wish I could plant my feet in today and tomorrow, instead of yesterday.

I'm exhausted. Sleep here is difficult - stray dogs outside bark non stop fighting over scraps of food. They're all adorable, but it's tragic to see so many out there by themselves. They also don't have heating here...Under 3 layers of blankets, it's still freezing.

I'm intimidated by the people of Peru. I've heard too many stories of ass grabbings, almost rapes, and petty theft by knife point. I keep my distance, and am constantly alert.

Having people around me helps to distract me from my negative thinking, but I feel I'm still avoiding the problem. Jamie says to meditate and reach serenity one must accept the thought, but let it drift away. I let it drift away, but it always creeps like a sludge back into my mind.

I know though, I have the choice and power of positive thinking. I don't have to think about it, perhaps I'm doing it because it's a force of habit. I came here believing I could change myself from the inside out, and I have to remember to work on this. I can't do anything about what I cannot change, and should only focus my energy on that which I can - and that which makes me a better person.

The world is my playground.
And I'm playing until it gets too dark.

Early religions were like muddy ponds with lots of foliage. Concealed there, the fish of the soul could splash and feed. Eventually, however, religions became aquariums. Then, hatcheries. From farm fingerling to frozen fish stick is a short swim.

Who knows what causes the human brain to split its britches. It would seem that the brain hangs so many curtains between itself and the true universe that eventually light can no longer reach it, and it molds and rots and festers in the dark.

Skinny Legs and All - Tom Robbins

Love is not always enough.

That's why people are always moving.
I keep thinking you'll realize and become the person I want you to be...

But that's selfish of me.
I know it won't happen, and I still hope for it.

Ridiculous. Even if you promised me it, I wouldn't believe it.

I dreamed of you last night.

We had been e-communicating...as is how so many of my relationships have been built in the past. [icq, msn, text messaging, emails]
It's only now I realize, that without it, we never would have been.
And now I can see, that relationships are built face to face, not in the sub-reality of the Internet.

So for every "I love you" and "I miss you" I read in your emails...
I devalue them by 50%, because unless you're saying this to my face,
It's not real. It might not even be the real you I'm talking to.

It's much easier to lie through typing than through your body language and words.

I dreamed that we had made plans to meet up...
And when I came to find you, all I could find were your parents.
They were happy to see me, and I them...
But you were almost impossible to find.

This game of cat and mouse with someone whom I don't even know.

I'm so quick to judge others on what they should or shouldn't do...
But in reality, I don't even know what I should do.

The short answer I give is - be good, do good.

I try so hard to see past the consuming vacuum each one of us has become...to still smile and see the beauty in life. It's difficult when in a shopping mall.

Being removed from work has also given me a new perspective. I listen to others rant about their jobs, their days, their petty mistakes...I know I was like this too, but still I feel so eerie! We as humans just cannot help but be so absorbed in our own lives...We really do live in the moment, and perhaps we can't control our every move, we do have a CHOICE about what we fill our lives with.

How many of us really question what it is we're doing with the time we're alive?
Am I living in my fantasy to avoid reality?
Am I making the right choices?

Last night when I was stoned, I was thinking that maybe I've made yet another mistake trying to win the affections of Spencer again. Am I falling victim to usually what is a man's struggle for power and control?
What does that say of myself? That my spirit is more masculine?
I wonder if we're merely manipulating each other...I want to bring it up with him but am not sure how he'd take it. Maybe manipulating is merely a loaded word...
It's only natural that what we do has an effect on another person.

I have this fantasy in my head replaying...My head has been up in the clouds for a while now. I know real life is gritty, but I choose to not see it, hear it, or even smell it. I'm avoiding these parts because if I can't see them, they're not a part of me. They aren't a part of my reality.

What am I doing trying to get back with Spencer? He's only shown me time and time again he's not ready...Love does not mean commitment. I'm not sure if commitment makes much sense in people...
Perhaps commitment is just another romantic whim that I have on my mind.

It's ridiculous. Here I am, about to leave for Peru in 4 days, and instead of preparing myself for this journey I've set for myself...I'm dilly dallying on when and who my next love will be. I'm wandering the deserted streets of my past, looking for a memory that can comfort me because I'm scared.
Most of the time, I feel insecure. Little. That's okay though...I'm a believer in karma, and all the suffering is only to be reinstated as good later on.

For a while, all I wanted to do was see people. Now I'm beginning to dread it...the socializing, the awkwardness, the forced conversations. Listening to others' stories and having to feel the frustration of wishing they could see my perspective, but not wanting to say anything because I don't want to harm their eggshell egos.
I realize everyone is different...but it makes me feel cast out from the rest.

I think that was part of the attraction I have for Spencer.
Sometimes these days, he falls into the routines of our generation...but for the most part, he's separate as well.
We're both voluntary outcasts, but different from one another...But maybe that's the reason why we both need the solitary life - at least for now.
Sometimes I think that if we learned to compromise - meet half way...we could make a perfect human being. Balance each other out...
But then again, perhaps that's just the romantic in me talking again.

Part of me argues to quit looking back...
But then I think again, and think that commitment is great, it's romantic and ideal...

But is life really living without lust? Without the spark and wave of euphoria that you feel...
Stability vs. Spontaneity
You're trading in an exciting life for one filled with routine and comfort

Spencer used to be routine and comfort for me...
It's funny, now he's the spark and irrational lust again.
Does that mean we've come full circle? It's wild one person can mean so much to you, can BE so much to you.
We've tried it all. The entire spectrum of friends to lovers to in between...

Maybe in reality...this is as good as it gets.
Who knows?