You! Get out of my head.

What do I do if I wake up now, and can't feel the pain and sorrow you caused me so recently? What do I do when I still dream of you, still hope for you in the most irrational and desperately doomed way?

Damn I'm easy. You don't even have to work on me. I just fall into your lap.

You must be a wizard, tricksy-ing me into giving you my forever. I both hate and love you. You fill my head with silly fantasies and I love that, and you fill my heart with dread because I know you'll never be here.

The worst part is that in hurting me, I continue to hurt those who fall for me. Its a shit perpetuating system.

I wonder how much you actually realize you're doing.

Its all just stories; whether they really happened or not, isn't the point, nor does it really matter.

Science is an organic as art. The second you've discovered anything, it is old news.

Writing works, are thoughts. The advantage of the Internet, is instantaneous updating.

I did it. I've lost the good war...and unsurprisingly, I'm wondering if I made the right choice.
Righter after, you're all "yeah, right on"...
and then I sit, get stoned...and next thing you know you're cast out onto an island in your mind. I'm filled with doubt, dissonance, and fear. So hasty.

Hastiness sure can hurt feelings.

Thought of the day

Marketing teacher: Perceptions are reality

No they aren't, though perceptions are the closest thing we can get to reality. In that sense, I'm not sure if exaggerations exist, when we do numerous activities [yoga, meditation...drugs], and have our own programmed habits - just to bring us back to normal. So really, everything we say must in some sense already be reduced in essence.

Seems to me, our perceptions are the closest we can get to reality. If you had any more, your brain might explode, or maybe implode.

We are removating...

I be movin to tumblr. You got one? muchos more fun, easier, and GOOD GOD ADDICTIVE!

(no offense blogger)

http://timeislaundry.tumblr.com/

From now on - this will only serve as a diary. My visual goodies will be on tumblr.

Adios!

More of the below de below

Bambi and his mom say..."....."

Deer don't make much noise.

More of the below

Kitty says meowwwww

Some doodlies from the past year

Some [unfinished] works from the past year...

Acid Washed Weed

Turkey Cleaning

Mother has ordered I clean out my room. For those who do not know me (all of you), I am borderline hoarder.

As I perused my hoarded treasures - I decided to make more junk. Mummy loves me.

Cognitive Dissonance

Oh how I wish you hadn't kissed me...
Now you're marathoning in my mind, I replay just those moments over and over again to no end.
My eager heart just knows not how to take it easy. The emotions have already matured, and they're ready to leave the nest.

Based on just a silly wasted night. It's amazing how much your dreams can fly when the future is a mystery. Boundless possibilities, and my hopeful heart gets far too excited.

In a conversation between my heart and my head, it began with love making, a troubling fight...and it ended with their baby - cognitive dissonance. [it's hard to change your behaviour, so you change your attitude]

My heart has grown kangaroo legs and wishes my mind would crawl inside it's pouch.

Funny, it was hard to kiss you. The psychological effect has already begun. The domino's are clinking against one another, and where the dominoes end, is yet a mystery.

Will I see you 'morrow? What about the next day? I should be glad if we don't. Save myself the trouble of a potential rejection and failure - I embrace it, and fear it all at the same time.

My self-loathing and self-contradicting ways are at an all time high.

John Butler Trio - Ocean

beautiful. how does he do it???

Late Night "Studying"

"Art" that I decided to scribble out late at night instead of complete my Finance Lab. Nothing like good old pens and markers to doodle with.

Running through the cemetary...

Isn't it strange, kind of ironic, that I've found an oasis at a cemetary? The leaves on the trees ablaze, a variety of trees living in harmony.

My x-ray-scopic vision thinks of all the once polished, rotting shoeboxes underground that are filled with our glorious dead.

Even still, the place is beautiful.

My dreams of late have been violent, and filled of chaos.

Shemale

I've always thought that part of self-development was realizing that the two sexes, male and female, must learn to compromise and meet each other at the cusp. That is when you find harmony.

Men and women are learning from each other. However, I'm afraid they are learning each other's poorer characteristics. See Exhibit A (up tither). This is the "female brain". Now, these are cliche nit pickings of women, from men. I dare say, they've learnt quite a few of these from us.

We females in turn, have learned carelessness, and the thrill of the chase. (Among other things)

We're meeting each other half way alright. We speakeh their language...

But we're both drifting farther and farther from the proper goal. You know what to change, but not in what way.

"I think ink is the blood of language and paper is the flesh of language. There's something very organic to me about having these thoughts and ideas and concepts and images come out of my brain and down my arm and out the end. The ink that then very slowly soaks into the paper. I feel real connected to that in a way that I never feel on a keyboard."

Unsettled, messy messy spilt milk thoughts

We live in a time and culture where we do not believe in magic, and that instead we try to follow business and politics.

We avoid what we know is right, and this is okay because "we are all individuals".

We avoid loneliness, and stick around like-minded humbugs to feel needed...all the while thinking we are individuals and oh so unique.

We are given choice. And this is what we've done with it. Our brightest thinkers are getting older - their wisdom will die with them if we, the masses of the new generation do not wake up, get up, and become the new bright thinkers of today.

Someone, do something. Do what? I'm not sure. Maybe that's the problem.

Step 1) Do not be afraid of failure
2) Do not think of failure, as failure
3) Change your attitude, and your perceptions
4) Go from being a 2D being, to a 4D...maybe one day you'll get to the 11th dimension.


We take up hobbies instead of taking up the lighting up of the mind. You stay in school to learn, and instead they give you the rules in which you don't want to play the game. You study these rules...and then what have you learned? Where has 4 years of your life gone?

But all at the same time- don't take it all so seriously:

"To say that you can't take life seriously and that life shouldn't be taken seriously is not to say that life is trivial or frivolous. Quite the contrary. There's nothing the least bit frivolous about the playful nature of the universe. Playfulness at a fully conscious level is extremely profound. In fact there is nothing more profound. Wit and playfulness are dreadfully serious transcendence of evil."

More Terence McKenna

Western patriarchal cultureperennially lacks social conscience and lacks concern for the environment. Furthermore the entire structure of the dominator culture ... is based upon 'our alienation from nature, from ourselves and from each other'". As a result, our ideas are exhausted—the ideas that we inherit out of Christianity and its half-brother science, or its bastard child science.

The only authority I respect is the one that causes butterflies to fly south in fall and north in springtime

Equality is not in regarding different things similarly, equality is in regarding different things differently.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business

In the haunted house of life, art is the only stair that doesn’t squeak.

I believe in nothing, everything is sacred. I believe in everything, nothing is sacred.

Terence McKenna's Last Interview

"I always thought death would come on the freeway in a few horrifying moments, so you'd have no time to sort it out. Having months and months to look at it and think about it and talk to people and hear what they have to say, it's a kind of blessing. It's certainly an opportunity to grow up and get a grip and sort it all out. Just being told by an unsmiling guy in a white coat that you're going to be dead in four months definitely turns on the lights. ... It makes life rich and poignant. When it first happened, and I got these diagnoses, I could see the light of eternity, a la William Blake, shining through every leaf. I mean, a bug walking across the ground moved me to tears."

Why is it night time when loneliness seeps in?

All day, busy busy busy.
Then night comes. It's past midnight. You're still up. No one cares. It's nice it's bad it's terrible it's okay.

Where are you? Why don't you care anymore?

How duped was I? Not by you, but by myself. Perhaps my disappointment is in myself. It's not you that I need to forgive, but me.

Saying you forgive yourself and really feeling it is so different.

Where are you? Where am I?

WHERE AM I???

More Funnies

Words That Don't Exist in the English Language

●L’esprit d’escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”

●Waldeinsamkeit: (German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.

●Meraki: (Greek) Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.

●Forelsket: (Norwegian) The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.

●Gheegle: (Filipino) The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.

●Pochemuchka: (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions.

●Pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.

●Cualacino: (Italian) The mark left on a table by a cold glass.

●Ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) A person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.

Seven Years in Tibet

The greed of men encroaches peace and compassion.
Though love is strong, and kindness is meaningful
it can be disposed of with a simple gesture.

Where does the root of evil come from?
Why must the two extremes fight one another for their to be unity?

Is peace unity? Or is unity only found when there is both slaughter and blood donations.
Are they one and the same?

Is it really as simple as little man-boys missing their mothers,
or is it more complicated?
Perhaps their suppressed spirits rebel in criminal acts against one another,
against oneself.

Violence is a frightening thing. The pulse of man being either that of a strike.

The destruction of religious movements forwarding love and compassion are forced to take the back burning seat.
Citizens must practice in secret.
This secret is lost over generations, and eventually a lost nation is embarrassed by what their soul urges them to do.

To not accept what is acceptable.
Just because it is acceptable, does not make it right.
and just because it isn't accepted, it does not make it wrong.

I suppose when these two lines are blurred, it is difficult to know black from white.

The Funnies

The Next Chapter

The eagle has landed.
And though he hasn't directly told me anything, he's bestowed onto me grace,
and more importantly HOPE for a better, brighter, future.

There is nothing but to let Ancient Rome fall to ruins, and let my own created metropolis manifest.

With institution upon me within the week, I look to the half moon in the sky - knowing that though I will be alone, I will have her.
My own private moon; who is there during the day even when I can't see her.
And for now, this is enough.

I do, but I don't.
I want you to...but I'm grateful you don't.
I'm a dreamer, fantasizing that it could be great; it could be perfect.
We could try again, redo it the way I picture it in my mind.

But you're not here.
Once upon a time, you wanted to come home to me.
Now when you go home, you want to be by yourself.
I find myself asking you to see me.

And this is all so backwards. It should be the other way around.
It's all just a joke. Fantasies are better in your mind.
When they're truly executed, you're given disappointment.

I realize that I should practice patience, and wait until reality is better than fantasy, without even pushing it to be.
I love you, I love the parts of our past that were so bright.
But they're gone, and I'm having a hard time not looking at the once shiny gem we were.
Every time I try to clean sweep my room - my head, my life -
I find more traces of you. How sweet you were.
Whether it was real or not, you did things to try to make me happy.
The beauty of that sacrifice - I didn't realize it so much when it was happening,
but now that it's over, I can't let it go. Finally though, I think I've cleared most of it out.
I look around, and there are no pictures of us. None of your cards pinned to my wall, or wedged between books we shared.

I'm trying to say goodbye, but I'm afraid of the loneliness.

Maybe

One foot in the past, and one in the future.
The rest of me in the present - is a jumble.
A jig saw puzzle that has been thrown up into abandon...
and crashed down in the wrong order.

Just like our bodies aren't in tune with the speed of technology,
my habits are not in tune with the acceptance my mind deals me.
My heart wants to frolic in the past.
My mind wants to move forward.
My body says it's used to what it knew, and wants to just repeat, repeat, repeat.

I'm pro change, don't get me wrong.
Giving up one thing, means you gain another.
But for now, I like to pretend I can have my cake and eat it too.
Maybe you can.
Maybe it just takes the will of a sharp, strong mind to do it.
Maybe.

Everything is a maybe.
Maybe is not a yes...but that doesn't automatically make it a no.

Will I? Will you? Will we dissolve?
Maybe.

Astrology

REVELATION: THE NEW ASTROLOGY is the implementation of the knowledge that you are the Creator of your life. As such, you are free to interpret each planet in your chart on its highest and best level, thereby being the highest and best manifestation of God you can be. YOU determine the level of functioning of your chart and the degree of happiness and success in your life. When you function on this level, your life takes on a richness of dimension it has not had before. You take the responsibility for creating your life the way you would like it to be. You see the planets as those gifts and talents you have chosen to express in this lifetime. You fulfill your limitless potential because you see what CAN be, rather than what cannot. The chart then becomes a guide, rather than the source of your happiness or unhappiness. It becomes a reflection of your own spiritual evolution. REVELATION: THE NEW ASTROLOGY is designed to assist you in that evolution. It is about love and appreciation of the God within, the acknowledgment of the Truth of who you are and, as a result, the beautiful expression of that Truth.

When you express the Truth of who you are by being your highest and best, you lift those around you and inspire THEM to be THEIR highest and best. They, in turn, inspire others, and so the Light is awakened in one person after another, spreading love, joy and peace across the face of the earth.

Playing With Pix

Style of Life

(Good) things don't always end...Nothing ends.
What we perceive as ending, is not actually ending...
it's just changing.

It changes into a beast you don't recognize,
you're not even sure how it became to be this way.
But it's not over...
it's happening!
You are the maker of your own life.
Play, or be played.
Move your own chess piece, don't wait for the chess expert to do it for you.

The Five Huaquas

Happiness

happiness is dependent on where we focus our attention, and if we focus only on the mundane substance reality, we starve our souls.

Health
There is no such thing as "good" or "bad" food. Perspectives on food and diet have been eteranlly changing. Be the expert of your own eating. Eat what you want, but only until the "dead bite". When something isn't making you salivate anymore, put it down. Only eat what makes you drool-pool.

Listen to your body. If you listen close enough, it tells you what it wants.

Humor

To laugh in the face of death is to understand the dance. It is essential that we invite humor into our lives at every opportunity.

Hope

Yes. People have also bought in the “mushroom medicine” by those in control. Mushroom medicine consists of misinformation, biased presentations and skewing of the facts, facts left out or glossed over or made light of as entertainment. All this keeps people in the dark, and it is perpetrated b y the powers that be in the media, in government, and in the financial/corporate arenas. Basically, people are being fed bullshit, and they believe it. So mushroom medicine is bullshit that fertilizes and feeds mushrooms that grow in the dark. People are taking mushroom medicine every day. Complacency is rampant.

The 4 together = HARMONY

Rites of Passage

"Stay in the light, and walk in beauty"

Boys in a tribe flourish.
The subtle darkening gradient to which we used to compare is changing...
becoming lighter.
And in this stage, we are the same, yet we are different.
At times, feeling like a completely different person.
But the child is always inside you, as you add layers to your being, piece by piece.
When I run, I hear her laughter. I feel her buoyancy.
I'm confused, but she is not.
She says: "play!"

A newborn child in the care and nurturing of its parents and other image makers is like a block of stone or wood in the hands of a sculptor. A great sculptor will not impose his will upon the wood or stone nor does he predetermine the form he is going to sculpt. He simply communicates with it, sees the spirit of what truly exists, and then cuts away everything that is hiding that spirit to reveal its aliveness.

Most adults, unfortunately, are not great sculptors. They have preconceived ideas of how a young child, particularly their child, should develop and ultimately turn out to be. Their own insecurities and wounding blind them to the true nature spirit within a child. Therefore, we grow up armoring against the pain of becoming something we are not in order to fit in, belong and conform to family, peer group, and society in general. We lose our connection not only to our own true nature spirit, but also to the greater Spirit from which we came. This is a form of violence.

Violence is usually associated with such things as war, rape, murder, or destruction of property. Violence to the spirit, however, is perhaps the most destructive and insidious kind of violence, for it often goes undetected as it works on our inner self. Like criminal defacing of a beautiful sculpure or work of art, it is spiritual graffitti, vandalism of the soul.

Advertising is an image maker that works overtime to answer the question "Who am I?" Unfortunately, it carries the message "You're not okay the way you are." We are measured with external yardsticks and seduced into believing that the images projected at us are really who we should be. What! You don't have a _______? You can "get" okay, if you buy the right kind of car, wear the right kind of designer jeans and the right brand of makeup, live in the right style of house, hang out at the right places. And so it goes. Rape of the psyche. Violation of the spirit.

This is destructive at any age but particularly devastating for a young person trying to discover their own uniqueness and measure of self-worth. These cannot be externally determined for us by others, nor can our magickal mysterious character be carved out of the substance of our being by others. We must become our own sculptor.

http://dtmss.org

Nostalgia

Looking at old photographs...
of my parents. They look so happy and young. Full of life, before they were heavy weighted with responsibilities of nagging.

They're holding me. I'm tiny. I'm a seed. A blob.

I realize one day they won't be with me...and it breaks my heart.

I miss you Cuzco

TURTLES!

Open Relationships

Which voice should I listen to?

There are two spirits running alongside me...They both beckon me to follow them. Like the mightiest of politicians, they have me both hooked.

It's easier to pick one, and never look back. But I'm nostalgic: looking back is a constant activity of mine.

I want you to pick the one that I don't want to pick. If you picked it, I would look at you, dumbfounded and in shock. Happy, but disappointed. We would both know that we were giving up on fun times ahead for the comfort and safety of having each other.

Maybe we can have both. Am I being greedy? I give a lot. I donate to charity, volunteer my time. I think it's justified that I'm allowed to have my cake and eat it too.

Maybe you did sleep with her. Who am I to control you and what you want to do when impulse is staring you in the face. Maybe she was fit. I'm not that fit...Being a foodie sure takes its tole on you. But my mind is fit, and my spirit fitter. It can take anything, and wants to take everything. It wants to feel every emotion life has to offer - the hurt, the love, the ecstasy.

Plus, who's to say that in a month and a half, when I'm back at school and you're still here...I'll meet someone that wants to be monogamous but also still have lives apart. Someone who isn't sex ridden, and okay with a fuck twice a week.

Don't take advantage of me. I know myself better, and think better of myself than to stand for it. You may not pay attention to every little detail, but I do. Know that I'm always watching, listening, thinking...of you.

I'm so confused. Where did all the clarity I gained in the past month go? Is this the hormones kicking in, the feelings flooding back, or just the behavioral gush that always comes back because I won't quit the habit?

The truth is I want you to want me...I want you to want me back. But in reality, it's not your time to commit...nor is it mine to settle.

But still...a part of me craves for us to work on the things that tore us apart before; to finish what we started.

We have the comfort down...with a little bit of work on communication - we could have it good. We'd bend for each other, but still have fun. We could try...couldn't we?

But in my gut, I feel the timing's off...Like all of life's velocities have spun us into this track where nothing is in sync, and everything is off track. Where something as simple as sharing is a life's work.

Why is it so hard for us to be honest? Not just to each other, but to ourselves. It's like before the idea forms, we've scared ourselves to accept just a taste of everything, but not all of anything.

11th Dimension

"Sin is honoring desire above what you know is right."

"Anger is weakness. Patience is strength."

"Every positive action as a reward"

- Julian Casablancas

Damn Dreams and Damn Horoscopes

Sorry, and how is it that I feel in "my current romantic relationship"?

All my dreams that have a inkling of Spencer are that he isn't there, and I'm looking for him.
There's a boy there...and he looks almost like him. Spiky hair, expression...and I look to the shoes, but they're pointy. His shoes are always rounded.

I throw a fit, and unfortunately the deflection hits my closest friends.

What do these dreams mean? Do they have any baring?
Are they warnings, or just worries of a silly fart?

Why is it so hard for us to communicate???

On foreign politics: Iran to the Security Council

Don't point your chubby finger at me! You started it.

With the current situation being so dire...

Do we really need MORE bombs?
"Oh but we'll lose the competitive advantage"

...Well....You're slowly destroying your soul, and what's worse, the innocent are bound to the damned. You're pulling us all down.

New Lessons From Wordy Experiences

Peru.

Fleas. Umanchata - the collegio. Nelly, Edgar...Magda. Spanish cathedrals. Street peddlers. Inti Raymi. Green men on stilts. Dancing with said men. The Real McCoy. Trivia Mondays and Wednesdays. Richard. Germans. Learning about the male spirit through German Richard. Being wine and dined...and disappointing German Richard. Feeling guilty about the lackage of spreading of my legs...Getting angry about the guilt, and forgiving German Richard in the morning. $7 wines. Peruvian children. Callanca. Profesora Betty. Missing placement on the last day due to Peruvian cocaine, too much alcohol, and a lusty night with a Slovanian girl.

This is me...and at the same time, not me.

Ice cream (helado). mokas - chocolate. Ritter Sport(!). El Molino. New faces, old faces...all within a month. Allison (german descendant, but from Los Angeles). Linda (Viet from New Orleans). Kim (german from Australia). Lesley (Scotland). Gleb (Russia). Armando (Texas). Zak (North Britain). Cameron (New Zealand). Laura (Australia). Sabrina (Mississauga).

Richard and his deep talks. A walking contradiction - so insightful and deep...but in so hollow of a shell. So knowledgeable, so much knowledge...
But on how to live and respect and accept...so quick and long of a plateau.
Intuition of others in check.
But willingness to change the big, starting from the small...unable.
Showed both kindness and vengeance of a German militant.
Not in love, but shared love for the week we became close. We shared.

That's what love is - sharing.
Sharing your fears, your cares, your dreams and aspirations.
Having someone witness that you are not merely a cocoon for a spirit in metamorphasis - but a being that feels - and wishes.
There is no feeling of being more alive than when you are scared shitless.
You know, being euphoric and "happy"...
All our emotions are just programmed through hormones and chemicals in our brain...

But what came first, the emotion or the juicing of the chemical?
Does it matter?
Does it matter if:

God exists
The chicken or the egg came first
If a good person experiences bad

What matters?
Depends on size. The larger you go, the less matters.

So where do you live?
In your own body...Outside your body...Beside your body...In another town...In the stratosphere...
The ideal place would be all at once.
All encompassing, and willful to accept.

Everything's Changed, Nothing's Changed.

Being depended on is exhausting.
To be a good friend, you must be understanding, forgiving.
You need to truly believe in unconditional love - and continue to give it even when their negativity and petty worries overspill into your coffee cup, destroying your perfect ratio of

milk: coffee: sugar

It's difficult to understand why someone so close to you can be so different.

I watch you - on your phone and not talking to anyone around you.
Who are you talking to that you'd rather be messaging instead of participating in life that is NOW.
I don't understand you...You came all the way to down 2 beers, do some texting...
and then go home.

Is it that your rude? Or are you merely ignorant and unknowing of your offensive actions.
As your friend, or maybe irrational lover, I look past these and force myself to see the sweet goldmund that laughs when I pester and tickle you.
I'm trying to get to know the real you...But like before, you have a brick wall between yourself and the rest of your brothers and sisters.
You speak of everyday being an adventure, and of your new positive outlooks...
But to me, you're the same.
Perhaps it's my impatience...
Maybe you deserve more waiting.

All there is to do with you is wait...and hope that you'll present yourself sometime soon.
I want to know YOU, not just your soft lips, and childish giggle.
But...That's not my choice.
It's yours.

Bad habit...

I physically couldn't for a month, but now here I am, back again to the same situation.
My mind and experiences tell me of better things...
But my feelings are still there.

The feelings are the same, the only difference is that you're not crazy about me anymore. I'm still crazy about you. Still want you just as bad and want to just feel your presence.

Or maybe I miss the intimacy. Either way, you're a danglin janglin and I'm the dog with it's tongue wagging hoping you throw me a fuckin' bone here! Come on, I've been good haven't I?

I try to tell myself of how I really actually enjoy this agony...That it's all part of the fun. But my Hong Kong blood makes me rush, want results ASAP. I want you to want me!

I get ahead of myself so quickly and easily. It's been not even a day since we saw each other and already feeling the vertigo, the rush and the not knowing and the constant brain whirring and you being all calm while I'm a hurricane!

Oh this is what it is to be alive. Be tortured, not know...always waiting and on the cusp of an answer that never actually comes. I know you'll never satisfy me...but as a person that is fully alive and feels the utmost alive...the dangling treat is what I chase after. After the chase, after you eat...you just wish it lasted longer.

I can't convince myself to chew longer...but once I've swallowed I miss the taste in my mouth.

"If it is committed in the name of God or country, there is no crime so heinous that the public will not forgive it."

"Anyone who maintains absolute standards of good and evil is dangerous. As dangerous as a maniac with a loaded revolver. In fact, the person who maintains absolute standards of good and evil usually is the maniac with the revolver."

you've got to toss your own salad or else eat with the masses from their narrow trough

Serpent a sonnettes
Rattelslang
Culebra de cascabel
Skallerorm
Klapperschlange
Rattlesnake

When a person accepts a broader definition of reality, a broader net is cast upon the waters of fortune.

"...people are too fragile for miracles."
"Honto des'," the vibrator said, sagely. "Is true. Two thousand year ago, virgin give birth. eople still not get over it. Ha ha ha.

Maybe that's why God had to suspend the miraculous

Day 3 of the journey in Peru.

So far, it's been interesting. I'm having difficulty dropping what baggage I meant to leave in Toronto...I flew 18 hrs on a plane to get away for a little from my petty problems, but it seems they've followed me here.

The people are great - everyone gets along, and seems very trustworthy. There's little drama, and lots of fun to be had. They seem to have an activity every night. Tonight is salsa dancing!

Today I visit my orphanage in which I'll be working. I'm a bit nervous, but almost indifferent to it until it happens. I'm still feeling like I'm sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my turn.

The art of being alone. Is it an art? It's kind of hard. It takes real practice it seems, and I keep falling back on old dusty cushions. I wish I could plant my feet in today and tomorrow, instead of yesterday.

I'm exhausted. Sleep here is difficult - stray dogs outside bark non stop fighting over scraps of food. They're all adorable, but it's tragic to see so many out there by themselves. They also don't have heating here...Under 3 layers of blankets, it's still freezing.

I'm intimidated by the people of Peru. I've heard too many stories of ass grabbings, almost rapes, and petty theft by knife point. I keep my distance, and am constantly alert.

Having people around me helps to distract me from my negative thinking, but I feel I'm still avoiding the problem. Jamie says to meditate and reach serenity one must accept the thought, but let it drift away. I let it drift away, but it always creeps like a sludge back into my mind.

I know though, I have the choice and power of positive thinking. I don't have to think about it, perhaps I'm doing it because it's a force of habit. I came here believing I could change myself from the inside out, and I have to remember to work on this. I can't do anything about what I cannot change, and should only focus my energy on that which I can - and that which makes me a better person.

The world is my playground.
And I'm playing until it gets too dark.

Early religions were like muddy ponds with lots of foliage. Concealed there, the fish of the soul could splash and feed. Eventually, however, religions became aquariums. Then, hatcheries. From farm fingerling to frozen fish stick is a short swim.

Who knows what causes the human brain to split its britches. It would seem that the brain hangs so many curtains between itself and the true universe that eventually light can no longer reach it, and it molds and rots and festers in the dark.

Skinny Legs and All - Tom Robbins

Love is not always enough.

That's why people are always moving.
I keep thinking you'll realize and become the person I want you to be...

But that's selfish of me.
I know it won't happen, and I still hope for it.

Ridiculous. Even if you promised me it, I wouldn't believe it.

I dreamed of you last night.

We had been e-communicating...as is how so many of my relationships have been built in the past. [icq, msn, text messaging, emails]
It's only now I realize, that without it, we never would have been.
And now I can see, that relationships are built face to face, not in the sub-reality of the Internet.

So for every "I love you" and "I miss you" I read in your emails...
I devalue them by 50%, because unless you're saying this to my face,
It's not real. It might not even be the real you I'm talking to.

It's much easier to lie through typing than through your body language and words.

I dreamed that we had made plans to meet up...
And when I came to find you, all I could find were your parents.
They were happy to see me, and I them...
But you were almost impossible to find.

This game of cat and mouse with someone whom I don't even know.

I'm so quick to judge others on what they should or shouldn't do...
But in reality, I don't even know what I should do.

The short answer I give is - be good, do good.

I try so hard to see past the consuming vacuum each one of us has become...to still smile and see the beauty in life. It's difficult when in a shopping mall.

Being removed from work has also given me a new perspective. I listen to others rant about their jobs, their days, their petty mistakes...I know I was like this too, but still I feel so eerie! We as humans just cannot help but be so absorbed in our own lives...We really do live in the moment, and perhaps we can't control our every move, we do have a CHOICE about what we fill our lives with.

How many of us really question what it is we're doing with the time we're alive?
Am I living in my fantasy to avoid reality?
Am I making the right choices?

Last night when I was stoned, I was thinking that maybe I've made yet another mistake trying to win the affections of Spencer again. Am I falling victim to usually what is a man's struggle for power and control?
What does that say of myself? That my spirit is more masculine?
I wonder if we're merely manipulating each other...I want to bring it up with him but am not sure how he'd take it. Maybe manipulating is merely a loaded word...
It's only natural that what we do has an effect on another person.

I have this fantasy in my head replaying...My head has been up in the clouds for a while now. I know real life is gritty, but I choose to not see it, hear it, or even smell it. I'm avoiding these parts because if I can't see them, they're not a part of me. They aren't a part of my reality.

What am I doing trying to get back with Spencer? He's only shown me time and time again he's not ready...Love does not mean commitment. I'm not sure if commitment makes much sense in people...
Perhaps commitment is just another romantic whim that I have on my mind.

It's ridiculous. Here I am, about to leave for Peru in 4 days, and instead of preparing myself for this journey I've set for myself...I'm dilly dallying on when and who my next love will be. I'm wandering the deserted streets of my past, looking for a memory that can comfort me because I'm scared.
Most of the time, I feel insecure. Little. That's okay though...I'm a believer in karma, and all the suffering is only to be reinstated as good later on.

For a while, all I wanted to do was see people. Now I'm beginning to dread it...the socializing, the awkwardness, the forced conversations. Listening to others' stories and having to feel the frustration of wishing they could see my perspective, but not wanting to say anything because I don't want to harm their eggshell egos.
I realize everyone is different...but it makes me feel cast out from the rest.

I think that was part of the attraction I have for Spencer.
Sometimes these days, he falls into the routines of our generation...but for the most part, he's separate as well.
We're both voluntary outcasts, but different from one another...But maybe that's the reason why we both need the solitary life - at least for now.
Sometimes I think that if we learned to compromise - meet half way...we could make a perfect human being. Balance each other out...
But then again, perhaps that's just the romantic in me talking again.

Part of me argues to quit looking back...
But then I think again, and think that commitment is great, it's romantic and ideal...

But is life really living without lust? Without the spark and wave of euphoria that you feel...
Stability vs. Spontaneity
You're trading in an exciting life for one filled with routine and comfort

Spencer used to be routine and comfort for me...
It's funny, now he's the spark and irrational lust again.
Does that mean we've come full circle? It's wild one person can mean so much to you, can BE so much to you.
We've tried it all. The entire spectrum of friends to lovers to in between...

Maybe in reality...this is as good as it gets.
Who knows?

Our love is like the ocean.
We're so small we can't see across it...is there really land on the other side?
Prove it.
It's mysterious. Deep. Dark and full of colours we think we can see, but then in a flash they're gone.

One day I'm feeling the sun on my face,
and the next there's a storm, and the clouds are turning black black black.

My mother says once you've made a decision you shouldn't look back...
But what if I've made two, and they contradict each other?

What is it that we're doing? Are you my ocean, or just a mud puddle?

Every contact I get with you, I look further back.

You talk of the future...but just in passing. These plans, do they mean anything?
What are plans to you?
Maybe my uneasiness is stemming from the fungal rot suffocating my trust in you.

I know, you being the ocean...means that you may change direction in a flash of a second.

"Who knows what causes the human brain to split its britches. It would seem that the brain hangs so many curtains between itself and the true universe that eventually light can no longer reach it, and it molds and rots and festers in the dark."

Skinny Legs and All - Tom Robbins

Ellen Cherry

"It occurred to her that despite the failure of her marriage, the failure of her career, despite her hangover and chronic horniness, she suddenly was feeling rather light and giddy. She couldn't understand it. Was she simply too shallow to suffer indefinitely, or was she too wise to become attached to her suffering, too feisty to permit it to rule her life? She voted for wise and feisty, and walked on, kicking leaves. "

- Skinny Legs and All (Tom Robbins)

Was marriage the mutant child of our own selfishness?
Has faithfulness and wedlock become obsolete?
Perhaps it was our personal fear that made us seek out stability in someone else. Maybe that love-addicted quest allowed us to forget our own personal need for independent happiness.
These are things that I wonder these days.

My love for you is so heavy that it makes me change my own form to suit the 'us' that exists in my mind.
I'm not sure what I was before, and I'm not sure what I am now...
But I know my form is changing.

What is reality, but what I believe it is...
Our realities overlap, making different versions of the truth.
Why is the truth so elusive?
Truth is an outlaw, always one step ahead of the authorities.

We do not own anyone...not even our family.
Even faithfulness to your family, seems like a ideal unrealistic dream.
What are most families but a mess of people that accidentally ended up together.
I'm blessed for the family I have. Blessed and cursed.
I think it's all the same anyways.

I think most people are so centered in on their sufferings they can't see the light within the darkness.

To search for all the light and none the darkness is a tragic human condition
How can you know one without the other?

I'm working on myself...to be the optimistic realist

And I want you by my side, sometimes...because I think you listen.
You hear me, and our differences fascinate me. It's an unsolvable riddle.
I'm not sure which is missing, the question or the answer.
It's the mystery that fuels our flame.
Our relationship is in the now.

All life is, is now.
It's beautiful that it's constantly being written without us needing to do much really...It just keeps on going.
I imagine someone writing out our lives...but when he takes a nap, we mess it up, and get a bit of freedom. We get excited, jumble things around because that's our nature. We just want to disobey disobey disobey. We shake our fists saying
"Fuck you writer! I can write my own story!"
Then he wakes, and has to pick up from where we've decided to run off.
That would be quite a hell of a job.

I think we can find perfection in our chaotic mess of untraditional relationships

I like untraditional.
I like you.

Nothing's personal, though we crave personability...to be close.
To know another person can feel our energy within us, as it changes colour and speed.
Is it morally wrong to hurt someone if you're being true to yourself?
You or me?
Us or them?
If it's all the same, does it matter what happens?

I choose difficulties. I choose gleeful dismay.
Because through bone crushing difficulties, I've found the most soul enriching euphoria.

There's a mad hamster running in its wheel in my head...
It's always squeaking, painfully or happily.
But always squeaking,
because he is ALIVE!

"A shadow does not belong to the object that casts it"

The Caterpillar Sacrifice

Moved all back home,
I'm haunted by our memories.
I see all our great memories:

you mowing my lawn while I snapped pictures of you.
You looked terrible, but my love for you was so fierce it made you beautiful.
You glowed in your sweat, under a veil of long blond hair.

The time I romped in the snow like a dog in my backyard, and you laughed at me.
We always enjoyed putting on our snowpants.

Today I was wearing my dyke cargo pants, pair of bright turquoise crocs...
Back then, you would've thought I was adorable.
Maybe you still would...
The version I remember of you sure would
Maybe you don't find those things cute anymore.
Maybe you never did.

But in reality, you aren't just the sweet boy I remembered (or imagined)
You had a dark side that you hid from me,
You locked part of yourself in a chest,
and as hard as I tried to search it out, you dug deeper and reclined yourself on a creaky walker

One day, you set out searching for all the caterpillar nests you could in our neighborhood,
and set them ablaze in the synagogue behind my house.
I watched as they writhed and screamed
Back then, I still saw nothing wrong.
Love's glare can be so blinding you can't even see the shadow.

Even now, I'm reserved to remember you as something good,
someone who loved me,
cherished me even when I was disgusting,
childish.

I wonder if you even care about me now.
Am I just another caterpillar that was tossed in the flame,
as your greedy eyes smiled at the innocent's pain?

Cause even though I know you aren't who I need,
Not who I want,
I still don't want to let you go.
Maybe cause that means the past 5 years of my life were utterly wasted.
And now I focus most my time on getting utterly wasted...
Ha ha.

You've moved on. You don't even care to ask how I am. And it makes me sad
Even though part of me is glad you don't beg anymore...
I'm still sad.
I feel the pain,
and what's worse, the shame of still wanting to feel the warmth
from the flame that incinerated the caterpillars.

I just hope one morning I will wake up, and have the strength to throw the water down on our fire. Because right now, every time I put it out,
I try to light it up again.

I hope one morning, I will be happy alone.

It takes tremendous energy to transcend or transmute a negative condition or a limitation that has been placed upon one. You have been collectively hypnotized into a view of reality that is fixed, confined, limiting, and nothing short of imprisonment. When one sees through the lies and the manipulations, the old world does not look the same and yet the perception of the lies does not free one from them. They have a life of their own and a tendency to continue. It takes new energy–an increased vibratory rate–to overcome the lethargy and inertia that are intrinsic to your cultural limitations. This is the gift of the solar streams–the solar plasma that is flowing and will flow in greater quantities into your magnetosphere–for they will increase the vibratory rate of your KA body.

But for those who do not choose to live upward in consciousness–who choose to remain imprisoned by the limitations, who seek to blame others for their misfortune, who choose to find scapegoats for their lack of happiness, for those who insist upon living the old world of conflict–this increased vibration of their KA body will not be a blessing; it will be experienced as a curse. Because they will have to work very hard to keep things the way they are.

This is a very important point, to us, and we wish to convey it with as much clarity as possible. Each of you has the response-ability to choose the thoughts and the creations you desire. Some of you will choose freedom–because you cannot stand being contained any longer–the lies are simply too great a burden to perpetuate. Others of you will choose imprisonment–for the fear of freedom and the responsibility for personal choice is too much to bear.

This is a split in the road of evolution.

This communication is specifically for those individuals who have chosen the upward spiral. Your challenge in these times is to allow the activation of your KA body to move you upward, even as many around you seem to be spiraling downward. It is, essentially, a question of vibration, joined with expectation and belief. It is the union of these three that births the creative impulse for a new destiny.

http://tomkenyon.com/the-holon-of-ascension

Hermetic Philosophy

My horoscope suggested I research into hermetic principles...that lead me to ascension. This "hippy" shit is actually very interesting, and makes me feel like less of a freak.

THE SEVEN HERMETIC PRINCIPLES

The principles of truth are seven; the seven hermetic principals, upon which the entire Hermetic philosophy is based, are as follows:

1. The Principle of mentalism: "The All is mind, the Universe is mental."
2. The Principle of correspondence: "As above, so below; as below, so above."
3. The principle of vibration: "Nothing rests, everything moves; everything vibrates."
4. The principal of polarity: "Everything is dual; everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposites; like and unlike are all the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled."
5. The principle of rhythm: "Everything flows, out and in; everything has its tides; all things rise and fall; the pendulum swing manifests in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates."
6. The principle of cause and effect: "Every cause has its effect; every effect has its cause; everything happens according to law; chance is but a name for law not recognized; there are many planes of causation, but nothing escapes the law."
7. The principal of Gender: "Gender is in everything; everything has its masculine and feminine principle; Gender manifests on all planes."

Hermes Trismegustus may be viewed as the Divine Physician and as the messenger of the Gods, the gods being the Elohim. The creative powers of God which are Seven in number and are the seven colors of the rainbow. The Elohim are the thrones about the One God, the One Being, the Light Itself. The Elohim are the creative potencies of the God head itself and are represented on the tree of life as the seven sephoroth.
These sephoroth have direct correspondences to the seven centers of the human bodies and communicate to the "physical" form through the vital centers known as chakras. In this way, life itself communicates and sustains its forms through a step-down of energy. These chakras flow into and communicate with the nerve plexuses (network) as seen on page one. They sustain and maintain the physical vehicle and serve as a direct communication bridge to higher intelligence.

Healing is a positive change of vibration-Hermetic alchemy is the art and science of self- transformation through knowledge.

Alchemy also means Union with God (truth, beauty, principle) through science. Alchemy is the science of magic.

Man (Woman) is living mind, sustained by spirit. Man (Woman) is the microcosm, (miniature world) within the macrocosm and as such we truly are gods and goddesses possessing within ourselves all the powers of consciousness which are inherent within the mother-father mind. See "Man Know Thyself".

Mental transmutation- "Mind (body) may be transmuted (change from one state to another), from state to state; degree to degree; condition to condition; pole to pole; vibration to vibration. True Hermetic transmutation is a mental art."

The Real Healing is knowing that you are One with God (the primal will to God and the infinite creative intelligence of the universe) and that you are God manifesting yourself as you are. This constitutes real knowledge and leads to wisdom which is the direct experience of this sublime truth.





If you are experiencing any of these symptoms (cut out), please know that this can be a result of using these Energy Tools. You are allowing energy to run through your system and move out the old patterns. The tools were designed to change your life and that is exactly what they are doing. You haven’t entered the Twilight Zone. You are simply moving to a place that includes more of you and less of the noise that isn’t you. Congratulations. We call this time between worlds a “Growth Period.” It is a time to celebrate. Your body and mind and emotions may, however, not agree. Even though a Growth Period is a time to congratulate yourself on your spiritual progress, sometimes when we enter this phase of growth, it hits our physical system as something uncomfortable.

Professor Clare Graves, the originator of this branch of
social science, saw the first set of six memes as a first
tier of human development. He called the transition of the
human race into meme number seven a momentous leap, an
entry into an entirely new set of memes, a new tier of
consciousness. With this new tier comes freedom from all
of the fears of the prior memes, and, finally, the freedom
for human cognition to focus upon its possibilities in the
world.

As more and more people shift into the second tier of memes,
the underpinnings of society become spiritual rather than
materialistic. The second tier is expansive rather than
self-serving or merely survival-oriented. Service to the
world community, to the planet as a whole, becomes the
inspiration as people activate these higher memes of

This meme brings a high sense of self-esteem based upon
information as much as emotion. It brings an enlightened
self-acceptance which acknowledges and accepts their own
shortcomings and faults as mere stages along the way to
acquiring more skills.

Remember what they say
There's no shortcut to a dream
It`s all blood and sweat
And life is what you manage in between

This is it.
It's over. I'm serious.
If you're going to give me up for sparkly balloons...

I'm no sparkly balloon.
I'm the glow in the dark balloon that doesn't doesn't seem 20 ft deep...
But I am.

And it takes time to know that.

I've rushed into it. Sprinted the whole way though.
And it's time to take a hike.

It's time to realize, after time and time again...after history has repeated itself indefinitely...

It's time to move on.
It's time to be someone else
Pick up, start again. No matter how hard it is.

I'm gone.
You're gone.
Don't count on me, because I'm nothing but a speck on the vast horizon.

I'd say i wish you'd regret this one day, but that's not even what I want.
I just want to get onto the next chapter, the next new novel.

My ego will have to be fed by myself, even if it's by fish food.
It will still have more nourishment than your dogfeed was able to give.

I'm gone. Don't look for me. Cause my new goal is to not look for you.
A life of celibacy is worth it to begone of you.
I mean it. Don't doubt me. You're on your own from now. I hope you find what you're looking for...

Cause even though I haven't...I'm willing to do it without you. I'm willing to photosynthesize and avoid gluttony.
I'm a higher being. You will succumb to flotation devices.
I will not. I will succumb to genuinity.

That's not even word. But whoever/whatever I find, will be so genuine...it will create it's own word.

I'm gone. Don't look for me.
I'm gone.

Trap Doors - Broken Bells (the Shins & Dangermouse)

Walk out before you make it worse on yourself
Now's not the time for that elegant laugh
Digress from the people
Once by your side, once by your side
But now that it's over
You have to pick up
And just start again, start again

You're falling to earth
And you're covered in ice
You're burning yourself, and your challenge to winter
Gotta clip the lines and move for yourself
Just move for yourself, love
Now that it's over
You have to pick up
And just watch your back,
watch your back

And close your eyes to us...
Fight Fire
Trap doors to endless wisdom
Young lad, have we grown too tired?
Longing...to find...

Learned that in time if you want it to end...
Your life at this temperature, life under water
You gotta let these fools all trample themselves
They trample themselves
Just dying to enter
You're preaching to the choir
So turn around, turn around

And close your eyes to us
Fight fire
Trap doors to endless wisdom
Young lad..
Have we grown too tired?
Longing...to find...

Photos from Asia