The Caterpillar Sacrifice

Moved all back home,
I'm haunted by our memories.
I see all our great memories:

you mowing my lawn while I snapped pictures of you.
You looked terrible, but my love for you was so fierce it made you beautiful.
You glowed in your sweat, under a veil of long blond hair.

The time I romped in the snow like a dog in my backyard, and you laughed at me.
We always enjoyed putting on our snowpants.

Today I was wearing my dyke cargo pants, pair of bright turquoise crocs...
Back then, you would've thought I was adorable.
Maybe you still would...
The version I remember of you sure would
Maybe you don't find those things cute anymore.
Maybe you never did.

But in reality, you aren't just the sweet boy I remembered (or imagined)
You had a dark side that you hid from me,
You locked part of yourself in a chest,
and as hard as I tried to search it out, you dug deeper and reclined yourself on a creaky walker

One day, you set out searching for all the caterpillar nests you could in our neighborhood,
and set them ablaze in the synagogue behind my house.
I watched as they writhed and screamed
Back then, I still saw nothing wrong.
Love's glare can be so blinding you can't even see the shadow.

Even now, I'm reserved to remember you as something good,
someone who loved me,
cherished me even when I was disgusting,
childish.

I wonder if you even care about me now.
Am I just another caterpillar that was tossed in the flame,
as your greedy eyes smiled at the innocent's pain?

Cause even though I know you aren't who I need,
Not who I want,
I still don't want to let you go.
Maybe cause that means the past 5 years of my life were utterly wasted.
And now I focus most my time on getting utterly wasted...
Ha ha.

You've moved on. You don't even care to ask how I am. And it makes me sad
Even though part of me is glad you don't beg anymore...
I'm still sad.
I feel the pain,
and what's worse, the shame of still wanting to feel the warmth
from the flame that incinerated the caterpillars.

I just hope one morning I will wake up, and have the strength to throw the water down on our fire. Because right now, every time I put it out,
I try to light it up again.

I hope one morning, I will be happy alone.