I’ve finally found the clarity I was looking for. I finally understand that my latching onto you, was because of my inability to latch onto anyone else, which is due in part to my secretive past which my family does not like to bring up…Or perhaps, I just don’t like to bring up. The way I am is obviously connected to my childhood. My past and juvenile fear and rage against both my parents – which was rooted in the burden of pleasing them while abandoning the self-indulgent beast within me. I wonder if every person must tame themselves - it is unnatural to be domestic - and perhaps the first ritual every life goes through is this domestication. (The wild boy from Aveyron is a perfect example of how wild man can live in sync with nature).
It was for the best, but I came out scathed. And when I say it was for the best, I mean, the best for the current context. We are confined to belonging to our time. Our social needs dictate that we somehow conform, change ourselves to fit this idealistic mold society imposes. But like everything else, conforming is something to be done to a degree. This is where we have choice.
My twisted relationship with first times – I never do get them right. It’s unfortunate, but Sanzhar brought up an important fact of life last night that sometimes I too forget -- which is quite ridiculous as I got it tattooed onto me to remind me always. The bad can make you good. It was my bad impulsive decisions, and my ability to retaliate back into safety, that makes me a better person today. I was only acting out because of the psychological unclarity. I couldn’t see past the curtain because I didn't know what the curtain looked like, or what it was. Still it is hard to explain in words what it is - it is all the memories you've forgotten, or take for granted. The moments in your life that however mundane when spoken of, meant the most to you.
I was searching for answers…but all the answers were, and always will be, inside of me. I will always love Spencer, that is for sure. And perhaps he will always love me. But that does not mean much beyond the fact of just love. There is only the fantasy of being “together” which comes out when I cannot control the craziness of being in love. It swells up and I think due to my misunderstanding or lack of understanding, I act out in strange ways indeed.
There are only moments. There is no marriage and home filled with peculiar antiquities that we impulsively binge-buy together. I can see whom I would be most compatible with; perhaps you will become that person, but likely not. That's okay. At this point in life, there is no settling, and I’m glad he knows that, and I’m glad I waited on my insane psychotic feelings and didn’t act so rash as to turn a perfectly good situation into one of moody sulky love-conflict, clouded by selfish, irrational desires; fantasies which I don’t even wish to be in fruition. The mind is funny like that; it wants what it wants until the conscious part of you can remind you of why you actually don’t want that at all. The hard part is that when you're crazy the rational side of you is fighting with the side of you that wishes with all the conviction possible for the situation, for life, to be simpler. The rational side (which I think of as consciousness) - is a gift. But a gift with clauses.
I’ve been rethinking the role of love in everyone’s life. Because the one word is so encompassing of just about anything you’d like it to be, you lose sight of the thing of substance itself – the actuality of love. We try to control the love because we fear it will leave…which is funny because, of course it will leave! Love is a rogue agent, we must all remember. It cannot be rationalized into staying or going. The ideal love does not exist - love is not perfect; man is not perfect, we cannot be just good, and so we cannot produce a love that is "pure" in a naive fairytale kind of way. It truly does have a mind of its own. But, the important thing to realize is that love is still always there. Maybe not from the object of your desire, maybe not in the quantity or quality you crave, but someone loves you. And that is not what you want, but it’s what we all need. We focus on so much of the fringe benefits we forget about the substance. Lust may indeed be a form of love, the kind that does not wish to stay. But for that moment, for that hour, that evening, sometimes that vacation – it is there. And perhaps that it is willing to commit haphazardly for that small amount of time should be enough. We pay just as dearly for our successes as our failures. We pay for all of it. It doesn't really matter what we wish to do with our lives - and I don't mean this in a pessimistic life is not worth living type of way. I mean it in the way that life is a gift that will respond to you. The ultimate interactive private game. Only you yourself are truly playing - others are logged in, but only you know what living feels like. I must remember every time I go into my dark place and think so negatively of others - they do not deserve it. No matter what the action - how "good" or "evil" - they are just, in their own way, playing for their time in the sun.
It is selfish to want all of someone. It is logically impossible for me now to ask someone to devote their entire life for me. When I'm in love, it seems like the idea should manifest in reality, but if it did, it would be to the expense of your lover. It is selfless to give oneself to another, but you must know that it will likely not be returned. In this way, doing so is setting both lovers up for disappointment. The obsessed one guilts the other into continuing to try their best, out of love of course, – but it is never enough. Both parties are unsatisfied, and they go faster and faster around the carnival merry go round, never understanding that with all that turning and spinning, you can't really see what's what. Freedom in love, freedom in life - if these are what we aspire to attain - we must all realize they come at a price.
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